Benson's Back From His Abduction

Dear Fellow Hubbers,

I need your help. I have just returned after a long absence. Why such a long absence? Some of you might have heard but I am telling this for the records (and, yes, may be, a few clicks). After I posted my last hub, I was abducted by a gang of four men and a woman who alleged to be some “hup-mop”, or something that sounded similar. I believed they addressed themselves as Christoph, Cris, Shades, CW and Shirley. They were always wearing Disney Character masks and not for once showed their faces. They were also applying voice deformers on their necks when they talked to cover up their real voices. The woman seemed to have a strong Canadian accent though. However, I was drugged and might not be lucid throughout to get the names right. I was tortured four times daily, each lasting to what seemed like hours. They almost drove me insane, taking turns to read out loud my worst writing to a back-ground music of “the Walk of the Baby Elephant”. I finally cracked up, broke down in tears and promised to learn grammar and improve my writing. They appeared satisfied and promised to release me. However, they also warned me that I could expect to be abducted again, should my writing show lack of respect for this learning experience. Only that the next time round they would start chopping out my ears and fingers, and a body part most intimate to me and my wife. They reassured me that experiences of losses like these, especially the loss of the latter, are associated with a good chance of turning me into one of the world’s greatest writers. Failing that, these will at least make me one of the world’s greatest writers without balls. They even mentioned the name of an ancient Chinese historian by the name of Sze-ma Qian, who transformed from good to great when this specific torture hit him.

Since my release, I have been trying to sleep without much success. I have at times tried to write, with even less success. The thought of bad writing courting misfortune to return haunts me. Every time I dozed off from profound somnolence, I startled and woke up in fright, trembling but still finding my own hand on my private part, ascertaining its small, but significant presence.

I have thought this over and decided that I can’t stay silent and put up with these terrible crimes, tortures and threats any more. Dear friends, I am begging for your help. Can someone please help and turn in this perverted “hup-mop” consisting members nick-named Christoph, Cris, Shades, CW and Shirley? The FBI has my case in their files and they can be reached here: infoaboutbensonabduction@fbi.org. Many thanks for saving my ears, fingers and uh… . Thanks any way.